Owen could have at one time or another been deemed a celebrity. The more tactless among us might refer to him as “a bit of a D lister”. He had been getting by hosting things like QVC and snapping up any reality T.V opportunity he could. To be honest he had hit a low point in his career and his emotional well-being was suffering. This manifested itself in a few different ways. Most alarming to him was his sexual performance. He hated the phrase but the fact of the matter was, he couldn’t get it up. Or at least, not naturally. Viagra worked like nobody’s business. Big solid hardons the likes which he hadn’t seen since he was a teenager. The first time he took it, veins had appeared along his length he didn’t know existed. The head could have been used to help planes land. Enough about that though. And so Viagra became a part of his daily ritual. Like popping a hayfever tablet. A wee half on the week days and two full pills on the weekends.
One day he gets a call from his agent. Apparently a contestant for the upcoming Strictly Come Dancing show had pulled out last minute and the stand by for him had taken ill and they couldn’t get a hold of that guy from that thing that nobody watched. They were fuckin desperate. So his agent had told the producers that he knew a guy. Owen didn’t think twice. The fact of the matter was, he loved Strictly Come Dancing. Not only that, he had always danced, ever since drama school. He also knew that this could be his foot back in the door of proper celebrity status. He could get his career back. He told his agent it was a yes he didn’t even care about the salary, just get me on that fuckin show.
And so it was that Owen got his wish. He would be a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. On top of that, he got the professional dancer that he pure fancied. He didn’t think anything would happen but still. Knowing that this was a great opportunity Owen took the training dead seriously. He practiced at home after training was finished and he’d get a bit of training in before actual training would start. Some would say he over trained. But it began to pay off. He was already getting high scores and compliments from the judges in the early rounds, even that harsh cunt said he had a lot of potential. He worked on his sob story as well, depression and that. The audience lapped it up. And would you believe it, his dance partner was starting to make more than obvious hints that she was into him.
Fuck me, he thought. Wasn’t that long ago I was on T.V at two in the mornin selling frying pans to fuckin dafties sitting at home.
And so Owen made his way through the rounds. Not once did he have to dance to stay in the competition and it was becoming clear that he was the favourite to win. It was the night before finale. He was getting a bit of last minute training in with his partner. At one point she pulled him aside.
I like you she said. If we win, the first chance we get I want to. She made a circle with her thumb and index finger and pushed her other index in and out of the circle. Owen was almost certain he knew what she meant but to be sure he raised one eyebrow questioningly and made a “V” with two fingers, raised them to his mouth and flapped his tongue quickly up and down between the “V”. She nodded.
When he got home he was on cloud nine. Absolutely flying. However, there was one thing, mild panic gripped Owen and his chest tightened. He wasn’t sure he had any Viagra left. He searched about in all the usual places and then in a more manic state, all the unusual places for his wee box of sexual performance pills. Nothing. Shit. He really liked the woman and he wanted to give her the best penis he could muster. Nowhere would be open at this time either. He had an idea. There was one guy he knew. A bit dodgy, sold all sorts but he had at one time offered Owen some Viagra at the same time Owen was getting himself a wee bit of coke. It was late but he had to try, there would be no time in the morning.
After making arrangements with his contact it wasn’t long before Owen was at the guy’s house, exchanging cash for a small rectangular box. It wasn’t until he got back home that he had a proper look at what he’d just bought. The print on the box looked like it was in Russian. Opening it up and taking out the contents revealed several oversized neon blue pills.
Check the fuckin size of these. He said out loud to himself.
He would have to break them in half to get them down his throat. He trusted his guy though. He’d never let him down in the past and had always provided Owen with quality goods. And so it was he went to bed that night a little more content and slept, dreaming of the finale.
The day of the finale was upon Owen. He wasn’t nervous. He was a natural performer and his confidence had grown throughout the competition. He almost didn’t want to think about winning or losing but at the same time, Owen had a good feeling about the day. He had the ability. He could win. The theme for the finale was ABBA and he along with his partner would be performing to “Dancing Queen”. Before leaving his house that morning for rehearsals he opened up the box of pills and a touch nervously, snapped one in half and gubbed both halves with some water. That got him thinking about his dance partner.
Fuck me she was beautiful.
Not just that. He actually really liked her. They had grown close over the course of the show.
He cracked another pill in half and downed both halves before heading out the door.
On the drive over to the studios. Owen began to feel a slight buzz. Not unlike the onset of certain drugs he had once indulged in. Paranoid thoughts flitted across his mind.
What an idiot. Putting fuck knows what into your system cuase you’re worried you won’t get a fuckin stiffy. You really are a fuckin dick head, Owen.
He thought about calling up the guy who’d sold them to him but he decided to wait a while. See how he felt. There was still ages before the show went live anyway. And besides the feeling wasn’t unpleasant. The world looked a little brighter, there was a spring in his step. In fact, the longer he left it, the more he had the distinct feeling that absolutely everything he did was completely the best thing to do. He just felt sooo…right.
Waiting back stage it was minutes before he was ready to go on and dance live. Dance for his career. For his life. The effects of the pills had grown steadily over the hours but not in an overwhelming way. He felt unstoppable. Physically and mentally like nothing could stand in his way. And his cock!
Fuckin hell my cock. Thought Owen. It feels like a fucking electric eel down there. I might have to tape it to my stomach.
The golden silk dance trousers were tight and didn’t leave much to the imagination. So that’s exactly what Owen did. He taped his cock to his stomach. It was strange though. Maybe it was the effects of the pills messing with his perception but his once average penis looked like half a baguette. He had to tape round his body several times from his pubes all the way to his solar plexus.
No time to worry about that. I’ve got a fuckin dance to win.
And with that thought he knew he would.
The time between him wrapping his cock up and him standing in front of a studio audience and a T.V audience of 17 million flew by in a blur. He couldn’t feel the floor underneath him. He was absolutely buzzing. In a good way. Dancing Queen started.
Fuckin yeeeessss, here we go!
He actually said that out loud and hoped it was drowned out by the music. Half way through the dance now and everything was flawless, He was even adding little improvised moves, working them in seamlessly. Both he and partner as one. Perfection.
YOU CAN DAAANCE. YOU CAN JIIIVE
Owen could hardly keep the lid on it.
This is fuckin brilliant man!
Was that too loud? A don’t give a fuck!
At that moment he broke from his partner. This wasn’t part of the routine but she went with it. He turned a double somersault. Owen had never done that in his life!
FEEL THE BEAT OF THE TAMBOURINE. OH YEAAAH
The audience were on their feet now. This was incredible. A glance at the judges he saw that they all had huge smiles, a couple of them were even clapping along hands in the air.
As he re engaged with his partner something felt a little off. A disembodied strangeness outside his total euphoria. He barely paid it any attention though. How could he when his head was on the fucking moon? But that feeling persisted. It wasn’t long before Owen realised what it was. The tape holding his massive penis in place was giving way. It wasn’t that though, the penis had actually burst through and the head was poking through the low v necked collar of his loose fitting golden silk shirt. It must be two feet long! His partner hadn’t noticed yet. Owen had noticed and at this point in the dance they were chest to chest pirouetting across the stage. Instead of the shock and embarrassment that you’d expect a normal person to feel at that moment. Owen felt elation. His thought process in those moments was something along the lines of.
You all think this dance is something special? Wait till you see my penis!
YOU ARE THE DANCING QUEEN. YOUNG AND SWEET
A couple of times he even tried to get his partners attention. Whenever she made eye contact he would nod down at his pulsating penis, all the while wearing a huge grin. But she was in her own zone, concentrating on the dance.
You’re so fuckin sexy. Owen mouthed the words silently as he gazed into her eyes.
And with that thought he began to get a little turned on. He was barely aware of anything else around him. He didn’t know or care where he was. Only that he was massively attracted to her. Looking down at her, where he expected to see her face, all he saw was his penis. Easily 3 foot long now and fully erect, it had burst through his shirt. His partner backed away from him screaming. He interpreted this as awe and excitement on her part. So he stood there, centre stage with hands on hips, twitching his eyebrows up and down in what he assumed was a thing sexy people do. The music had stopped now. There was a lot commotion going on around him. It seemed that more than one person appreciated his girth as he heard several screams mostly coming from the audience.
I’ve got just the very thing.
And with that thought Owen took a short run up to the front of the stage and did a front flip using his penis to flip himself over instead of his legs. He landed arms outstretched like an Olympic gymnast. On the same moment he landed. He was tackled to the ground by several security guards.
Owen never worked again.
Some size of cock though.